Why Can't We Seem to Stop Arguing?
An Argument For How Validation Is The Antidote to Relationship Tension
By Corey Barber, LMFT
A lot of couples entering couples therapy start from a place of frustration that they can’t seem to stop arguing. Small annoyances may seem to blow up into bigger conflicts. Or it may feel like your partner is always picking a fight.
How exactly does this happen?
A great deal of how we communicate with one another happens fast, without much consciousness. The more intimate your relationship with another person the more micro-interactions you end up having with them. This also means more opportunities to miss, contradict, or brush off your partner without even realizing it. John Gottman calls these missed opportunities, turns away, or turns against. They are often inadvertent, but they are a huge culprit for relationship tension.
In other instances, well-intentioned partners may believe that if they can come up with a solution they can solve the tension or diffuse the argument. But anyone who has ever been in a relationship can likely reliably say that at least half the time, providing a solution doesn’t make things better. Sometimes, this can even make things worse. In reality, the most powerful tool to address conflict is not solutions, but rather validation.
The good news is…you already know how to validate! We all do it all the time. In moments of agreement or alignment, validation feels easy!
Imagine you ask your partner to take out the garbage and they do it without question. You may not realize it, but the unspoken message you received was, “What you’re asking of me is valid and so I will oblige.” In this way, your partner validated you without saying anything!
When your partner says “I love you” and you say, “I love you too,” you’ve reciprocated their feelings. Thus, implicitly sending the message that their love is valid. When your partner complains about their mom and you completely agree with their perspective, they will likely feel validated because someone has joined them in their opinion. Things get a little trickier when we try to provide validation without shared obligation, reciprocation, or agreement. These moments are much more vulnerable to tension. Thus, making the need for validation even more important.
So, how do I validate if I don’t agree? Let’s look at some examples of how to respond.
If you don’t necessarily agree with everything that is being said (which is often the case if your partner is pointing out how something that involves you), the best place to start is acknowledging that their experience is real.
Partner: “I felt lonely at the party. When I came over to join the conversation you were having, I wish you had introduced me to the other people.”
Dismissive Response: “You were fine at the party; it’s okay that you weren’t talking much.”
This is a good example of a response that you may be surprised would create tension. It misses your partner’s experience focusing on your perception of what happened. Missing your partner’s experience can be invalidating and lead to an argument.
Validating Response: “I did notice you seemed quiet and sad at the party.”
In this example, you’re starting from the foundational place that their experience is real and valid. They felt lonely. There may be an instinct to argue about whether it was reasonable for your partner to feel lonely. But, this will likely lead to tension or withdrawal from your partner.
Another level of validation might be to articulate that your partner’s experience is reasonable or legitimate. Especially given the context or what you know about your partner.
Partner: “I felt lonely at the party. When I came over to join the conversation you were having, I wish you had introduced me to the other people.”
Solution-Oriented Response: “When you don’t know anyone you should try to be more assertive about introducing yourself.”
This response may intend to be helpful, but it sends the message, “I can fix you.” What you communicate here is that if your partner is vulnerable with you, you will respond by telling them they are not enough.
Validating Response: “I did notice you seemed quiet and sad at the party. I know you didn’t know a lot of people there, so it makes sense to me that you might feel lonely in that setting.”
This response validates that you understand how your partner was feeling as well as the context in which they were feeling it. You’re starting the conversation from a place of joining them in their experience.
You can also try normalizing your partner’s experience.
This can feel very supportive because normalizing helps us feel we’re not alone.
Partner: “I felt lonely at the party. When I came over to join the conversation you were having, I wish you had introduced me to the other people.”
Defensive Response: “I couldn’t just interrupt the other people talking to introduce you to the group! I didn’t want to cut them off.”
This response misses your partner’s experience completely and jumps straight to defending yourself. Thus, highlighting the parts of your partner’s experience with which you disagree.
Validating Response: “I did notice you seemed quiet and sad at the party. I think anyone in a situation where they don’t know anyone and was not introduced might feel lonely.”
This response validates that you understand how your partner was feeling and that this feeling is normal given the experience that they had.
It’s important to notice that in these validating responses, you may not have experienced the event in the same way. Or, you may believe you did nothing wrong. Or, even still, you may not agree that it was your responsibility to fix the situation for them. Even if all that is true, you can still validate and understand their experience.
Now, yes, it’s true that sometimes you do need a solution. Understanding and validation aren’t always enough to move forward.
As a couples therapist, I hope that following these validating responses you may be able to say something like, “How can we work together to reduce the chances of this happening in the future?” Now, the two of you are on the same team, working together, to come up with a solution.
Sometimes it’s helpful to think of an argument like holding a flag pole. Our priority becomes keeping our flag from falling, gripping it more and more tightly. But, if someone walks over and offers to hold the flag pole for us (even temporarily) we can let go without fear of the flag falling. Validation is like offering to help hold someone’s flag pole. Thus, allowing them to let go a bit.
My challenge to couples is to try adding two or three validating steps before jumping straight to arguing, disproving, solving, or dismissing. This action can change the whole tone of the conversation. A conversation with validation at its core will lead to more understanding. This means more trust, more happiness within your relationship, and less arguing!
1(Fruzzetti, Alan E. The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy & Validation. 2006)
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