Navigating Different Risk Tolerances in Covid Safety in Partnerships
Pandemic-Related Issues Have Led to a Great Deal of Conflict Over the Past Two Years
Couples and families have had to negotiate at-home working conditions, child care, and sharing space for sometimes 24 hours per day. Essential workers have had to take extra precautions to protect their partners and families from exposure. Families have even had to quarantine each other in the same home. Relationships have endured extended periods of separation with shelter in place orders and travel restrictions. With increased vaccination rates and decreased social restrictions, couples are facing yet another new challenge.
How Do We Manage Different Opinions on COVID Safety Guidelines?
The first thing to remember is that disagreements are not uncommon. Especially around a topic with so little clarity. Throughout this pandemic, we have had to adjust our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as new info emerges. The fear and discomfort of our ever-changing situation can lead to a type of cognitive distortion called, “catastrophizing.” This involves jumping to the worst possible scenario often without all the information.
In a relationship situation, catastrophizing can look like, “Our views on this are too different. We’ll never be able to get past this.” If you remember that many couples are struggling with similar issues, you may be able to replace your catastrophic thought with something more objective. You and your partner are different people. You each have different perspectives, and because of that have formulated different opinions.
The next step is to stop focusing on what the conflict is about and focus on how you’re talking about it.
Therapists call this emphasizing the process over the content. Often, ineffective communication happens when one or both people express themselves using criticism or defensiveness. These are a few of John Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Criticism is using blame or judgment to complain about your partner’s behavior. Defensiveness is using indignation to preserve your image. Or, to make yourself out to be the victim in the situation. Neither contributes to problem solving or effective communication. Often we fight about the “content” using criticism or defensiveness and we end up going in a circle.
Minimizing Conflict and Criticism
Taking a step back and addressing this way of communicating is a vital first step in accurate expression and understanding. Start by minimizing criticism. Talk about how you feel, and what you want (rather than what you don’t want). For example, someone says “You’re so selfish, you didn’t even think about how that decision would affect me.” But, this may actually look more like, “I feel scared about you attending that event. I need us to talk before we make decisions like that.”
Next, reduce defensiveness by validating what you hear in your partner’s statement. Avoid responding to a claim your partner makes by defending yourself. Instead, start from a place of trying to empathize or confirm their point of view. This might look like, “I can see that you’re scared. I understand why it is important to you and us to make decisions together.” Clear understanding must take place before problem-solving. Otherwise, you will soon get bogged down in unhelpful details.
Once you are communicating in a more clear way, notice and articulate the areas where you are aligned.
It’s important to remember that in a family or a partnership, you’re on the same team. In a conversation filled with criticism and defensiveness, differences will be overemphasized. So, you may even miss important details that you agree upon. If you can see the areas where you agree it will not only make things feel less dire. Plus, it will also help you work toward a compromise that addresses both partners’ needs. Prioritizing effective communication and emphasizing your shared feelings, goals, and values will help with current issues. It also provides hope that you’ll be able to navigate new covid-related issues as they arise.
Communicating Boundaries
The final part of these conversations is to understand and communicate your boundaries. Then, stating them without blame. Often we come to a conversation prepared with an argument for why our perspective is more right. But you don’t actually need to be right. You need to know how you feel and what your boundaries are. If you can communicate what you want accurately and without criticism, your partner may even want to find ways to validate your perspective and accommodate your needs. You will likely have a lot more luck asking your partner to help you feel safe and comfortable than you will by bullying them into changing their opinion.
As we enter yet another stage of the pandemic, you and your partner will need to make decisions as a team. These decisions are not easy. But if you focus on effective communication, emphasizing shared goals, and stating your own needs without blame you can set yourselves up to get through this next stage together.
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