Making Friends in Young Adulthood is Hard
Are you new to the San Francisco area? You may have felt drawn here for work, college, or needed a change of pace and wanted to live in the Bay Area. Regardless of what brought you to our bustling city, we're excited you’re here! Starting a new chapter of your life is invigorating. There are so many possibilities. And with all those possibilities comes uncertainty, too. One of the biggest challenges of moving to a new city or area is making new friends. Nobody ever said making friends in adulthood would be this hard!
You may be one of the many people who moved to California to “find yourself” and build a community of your own. The friends you have from high school and college are great, but they might not understand you like you wish they would. Over the years, your interests and relationship dynamics may have shifted. Now, you might not ‘click’ like you once used to. You’re ready to find a community that you vibe with.
Knowing Yourself First
One of the biggest pieces in finding your people is first knowing yourself. Do you know whether or not you are an introvert or extrovert? Or, are you an introverted extrovert, or an extroverted introvert? If you’re not familiar with these terms, I’m asking you this: do you get more energized by being around big groups, with one to two other people, or being by yourself? This can be a good indicator of which way you lean on the introversion/ extroversion scale. If you’re unsure of where you land on this scale, it can be a good place for your self-exploration to begin.
Further, acknowledging your preferences, skills, and shortcomings in friendships can help your confidence and ability to connect with others. Understanding yourself requires self-reflection to determine your strengths and growing edges. This deep thinking can also hinder you in some ways. Negative self-talk can often drive you toward isolation. So, be realistic with yourself, and not too hard.
Establishing Your Friendship Narrative
As humans, we are social creatures in need of community and support. However, sometimes when you’re an adult trying to make friends, isolation can be the easier route. Instead of putting yourself out there and risking “failure,” it might feel safer to be alone. Previous friendships may have ended poorly, thus leaving you afraid to welcome in another friend again. Or your family of origin may have instilled particular ideas about friendships in you. Yet they might not fit your values or lifestyle anymore
Working with a young adult therapist can help you establish your unique “friendship narrative.” This can look different for everybody. For some, this means processing previous pain from friendships and finding confidence in your friend-making abilities again. For others, this may mean reframing how you view friendships. Do you see friendships as accomplishments, or do you see them as a tool to build connection and meaning? A therapist can help you sift through all the complexities of friendships. Together, they can help you come up with a “friendship narrative” that makes sense for you and your life.
How do I find my community during a major life transition?
A big part of socializing and making connections is taking the plunge and putting yourself out there. This may include doing so in ways that may feel new and uncertain. I must also note that in a neurotypical world, making friends as someone who is divergent (ADHD, ASD, etc.) can be daunting. But, when you get the chance to be active in choosing your friends and creating a community you love, take it. Doing so can help you reestablish your narratives about friendship. Learning more about yourself and what you’re looking for from friends can steer you on the right path toward forming meaningful relationships.
Whatever you’re looking for in friendship and community is valid. Your unique lived experiences, interests, values, and friendship narratives are the most central piece to finding a community that fits into your life. Seek out a community that you feel comfortable with. This could be certain groups that hold similar worldviews to yours, whether it’s politics, hobbies, or certain identities. Likewise, it is completely acceptable if you want to be around others who have the same cultural and life experiences as you.
Tips for Finding Community
Our therapists have a few tips to consider when working to build friendships and community. First, find a community place by exploring your city or neighborhood. Or, the greater environment. See an interesting building? Go in and ask questions about it. That event flyer you walk by every day? Go check out the venue and chat with some people there.
Second, we suggest leading with your passions. This can take the form of introducing yourself first as a lover of theatre arts, basketball, cycling, realistic 1:1 lego modeling, whatever! You don't need to be an expert in your passion to show excitement about it. Putting your passions first will help others identify something about you. Doing so can help them connect to that, or connect you to someone they know who has your same interests.
Our third tip is to be flexible. This is a key skill to broaden your community. As an introvert, you may default to waiting for others to make plans. Circles of friends are a system and need people to operate different roles. Someone in your group may be too busy now to be the doer. It may be your turn to give it a shot? If you feel a stronger desire to connect to others and feel it is time to take some risks, be the connector! Organize gatherings, host a game night, or suggest a dinner party. Is organizing too anxiety-inducing? You can also tag-team it with another friend. Practice being vulnerable by naming your fears and taking on the challenges together. Being transparent is a great strength and will allow you to grow in your relationships.
Moving Through Friendships During Young Adulthood
Friendship provides community and encourages personal growth, but friendships are not always permanent. People enter and leave throughout our lives. There are points in your life in which you may have a large, vibrant group of friends. Then, over time, the group may drift apart. This can be disappointing, even heartbreaking for some. Throughout adulthood, people diverge down different paths often. Friends may begin new career paths, start families, or move across the country. Adulthood introduces many more variables to friendships as opposed to childhood. In some cases, these can be difficult to navigate.
Therapy for Life Transitions Can Help with Forming Friendships
Building friendships hinges on the opportunity to connect with another person or persons. This may still be too daunting, or you may be contemplating the pros and cons – still deciding if it is even worth the effort. At this stage in your community-building process, talk to an unbiased third party like a therapist. Doing so can be beneficial.
Adulthood is a process, it is less structured than most other life stages leading up to it. Please know that you are not alone in feeling lost. Many people make long-lasting friendships as children without intending to do so, and at places that bring them together by circumstance. As an adult, this becomes harder. During a pandemic (now endemic) this can become seemingly near impossible. Friendships take a while to develop. Finding support from a therapist can sustain your efforts in transitioning from a more isolated place into a place of community.
Consider Counseling for Life Transitions in California
Therapy, whether individual and/or group-based, provides a safe place. Here, you can actively engage with yourself and others about the challenges all humans face in growing our social circles. Our Bay Area therapy space acts as a container for exploration via self-reflection and community. Wondering if therapy could be helpful for you during this season of life? Get connected with us by booking a free 20-minute consultation call. You can get connected with a caring therapist to help you in finding community.
Other Services Offered at California Integrative Counseling Center
Counseling for life transitions isn't the only service provided at our California-based counseling center. We provide a variety of services to support your mental health. We also provide ADHD treatment, couples therapy, therapy for teens, career counseling, and an ADHD support group as well. Learn more about our online therapy services, or visit our blog for more helpful info.
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